I Am Vulnerable

At the core, every human being is vulnerable. It is just that some can cope with their vulnerabilities better, others can’t.
We Bipolars are particularly vulnerable when it comes to handling emotions. What might be for others a walk in the park, the same situation for Bipolars could be akin to navigating barefoot through a battlefield strewn with shards of glass and landmines. Is this an exaggeration? Research proves that Bipolars are upto four times more sensitive and vulnerable when it comes to processing emotions. To make this worse, they need  much more time to get out of the that unwanted state. A double whammy of sorts: Get entangled in unwanted turmoil and stay there longer too!

Saturday, March 15.

I’ll back this by citing a seemingly innocuous tiff between my wife and me over the last weekend as an example. (Isn’t it amazing how the smallest tiffs can get out of hand if neither partner sees reason? I was, ahem, not in the wrong this time around). Nevertheless, one thing led to another and we were not on talking terms for more than a couple of days. That I had been unwell for a while worsened things for me (my bronchial asthma playing up due to the crazy weather changes: was it manic too?).

Sunday, March 16:
It was during this period, when my emotions were raw, that I watched a movie on Television. The well crafted cinematic work would have at best moved me at any other time. Not so when my mind was primed to exaggerate and perceive the ‘sadness components’ of the movie at a feverish pitch. I allowed myself to weep to my heart’s content, to let out my pent up pain. Wait a minute: which pain and anguish was I referring to? Which calamity had hit me to make me feel so morose, fragile and susceptible to pain? The mind begins to come up with its bags of tricks to complicate it further. It had been just a fortnight since I had been off anti-depressants for the first time in five years. Was I incapable of being my ‘normal’ self without them? Just a whiff of trouble and the doubts attack with full force.

Wednesday, March 19:

My disturbed mind was creating a barrier between my moments of bliss, which I had now become accustomed to. Until today. It is Stillness-Bpiduring my periods of disquiet that I realise how invaluable meditation is for me. Today’s session was one of exceptional brilliance! Having decided to take my lows head-on, I resorted to my proven methods. Using my creative visualisation techniques, I could actually sense me energising each and every cell in my brain. I could see a three dimensional model of my thus energised mind..full of sparkling energy, lighting up the darkest areas, dispelling anger and resentment.

I said to myself with growing confidence: Have I not ‘programmed’ my mind in even more desperate times than this? Led it out of the emotional quagmire?

Yes, I am Vulnerable.
Yes, I am Fragile.
Yes,  I am Resourceful.
Yes, I am Strong.
I do lose hope at times..
My Faith makes me hold on.

Mind-PowerIt  matters not where I had begun,
In the end its about how it ends.

With my eyes still closed, I apologised to God.
How could I have lost sight of You?
I can feel Your reassuring hand on my shoulder.

I am never alone.
What makes you feel you are?