There was this upheaval yesterday evening. I became aware of developments that have an adverse, material impact on a project I am passionately involved in. That this happened late in the evening ensured it simmered in my mind until bedtime without resolution. At this juncture I prefer not to share what the vexatious issue was (it still is, at time of writing this). I shall share it later when the air has cleared up.
I was restless, stressed, thinking at a furious pace and generally making matters worse for myself. Patience is not one of my virtues! As it became obvious that my impetuosity had landed me in this unwanted mess, the self-blame-game began. At least I have the courage to own up. All the same, at times one can end up being too harsh on oneself and this can prove to be detrimental to resolving the problem. Guilt can slice though one’s self confidence like a hot knife through butter. Ask any Bipolar!
This song by Rock Group, The Police nicely sums up my state of mind:
“Too much information running through my brain
Too much information driving me insane”
Although I have recovered from Bipolar Disorder to bring it to a manageable condition, such times are not the best for an inquisition:- when emotions run high, it is is best to step back, let things settle down and then take a cold hard look. Post dinner, with great determination I forced my mind to shut down these barbs that were piercing my mind from all directions.
I sat on my meditation chair and said to myself: there has to be a way out and if I give myself a chance, I’ll find it. With my eyes shut, I drew a mental mind map of what the possibilities/options before me were. The best way to relax my mind was to come to a preliminary conclusion which I could work on in the morning with a rested, fresh mind. Gradually I began to see a visual map of the ‘branches’ of options. Once I knew I had choices before me, I felt less cornered. That’s all it took, one Mind Map drawn in my mind!
Having come to a semblance of a resolution to the conflict in my mind, I resolved to go one step further: meditate. Years of practice have taught me to set aside the most troubling thoughts and relax completely. Few minutes of meditation and I felt sleepy.
By morning I was rested and with a new resolve, sought help from a few trusted friends: a few heads are better than one in some cases!
A good time to remind myself.
- Do not get disheartened so easily
- Am committed to my goals, cannot be thrown off track so easily
- By reminding myself of the limitations imposed by Bipolar Disorder, I am not doing myself any favour: have done well for myself till now, just need to build further on it.
- As I say to others, you are never alone.
- How dare I then think that I am in this all by myself?
Back on my feet, raring to go…
